Online Dating Over 40 with Amy Nobile

How to swipe right on the rest of your life with dating expert Amy Nobile


EPISODE 6

Amy Nobile
Amy Nobile

Amy Nobile is back for another episode, as she joins us again to discuss dating over 40. She touches on multiple topics - from setting up your dating profile, to figuring out first dates, how to banter, and much more.


Amy is the founder of LoveAmy.co, a dating concierge that specializes in building entire strategies for dating. She encourages women over 40 to set up healthy expectations for dating, to communicate clearly and boldly and to analyze who they are and who they’re looking to attract.


Products/ Websites Mentioned:

https://bumble.com/

https://hinge.co/

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Doryn Wallach:

Welcome to episode five of It's Not A Crisis, a podcast for women in their 40s seeking to navigate midlife's challenges while making the most of it. I am your host, Doryn Wallach, and today's episode is really, really fun. Before I tell you a little bit about it, I just wanted to, as usual, be super annoying and make sure that you are rating, subscribing and sharing the podcast with your friends and family, either on Facebook, Instagram or by text, whatever's easier for you. You can also find me on It's Not A Crisis Podcast on Instagram, as well as Facebook, where we have a group for questions and discussions.

You can email me at, itsnotacrisis@gmail.com, or subscribe to my newsletter at itsnotacrisis.com. Now, that that's out of the way, all that stuff is really important to me, so I appreciate it, but I just have to say it every time because that's what helps other women listen to the podcast. I hope everybody is doing well. And hopefully, today's episode is going to make you smile a little bit. In my very first episode, I had interviewed Amy because her latest book, Just When You're Comfortable in Your Own Skin, It Starts to Sag, was the inspiration behind my entire podcast, actually, starting this.

We had such a beautiful conversation about how this doesn't have to be a negative time in your life, this needs to be a positive time in your life. And I think that her book just made you feel not alone in all of this. I have gotten countless emails and messages from listeners about dating after 40, and this is not anything I know about. The last time I went on a date was in 1999 with my husband, so I had reached out to Amy to see if she wanted to come on the show again. This is a really fun episode. Even if you're not dating, you never know when you might need to date. The way that Amy runs her business is so smart and so great that if you're out there online dating, you are going to learn something from today's show.

Amy is a best-selling, Oprah-featured coauthor of four books, all designed to empower and inspire women at various stages of their lives. She's also the co-founder of ASH AMES, a company showcasing unique jewelry, handmade by various female artisans around the globe. Amy's latest venture is Love, Amy, a dating concierge service that marries the technology of modern day dating with a holistic view of human-to-human energy and connection.

Amy, I'm so happy that you're back on the show.


Amy Nobile:

I am too. Let's talk.


Doryn Wallach:

Yeah. So our first podcast, which was my very first podcast, was literally right before they started the quarantine. I was thinking about this, I think you were the last person I had interaction with in normal life. And I think we weren't even hugging at that point, right? I don't remember. I feel like we were still a little cautious.


Amy Nobile:

We were being cautious, but little did we know that that was it, after that, lockdown.


Doryn Wallach:

Yeah. Anyway, I'm not going to even talk about that because nobody wants to talk about that anymore.


Amy Nobile:

It's [inaudible 00:03:27].


Doryn Wallach:

[inaudible 00:03:27]. I'm doing this podcast today for the many women that have reached out to me. Clearly, this is something I know nothing about. The last time I was on a date was in 1999, like the stone ages, that was with my husband, and it was a blind date. And so, clearly I know nothing about online dating or dating in general. I don't even think I dated that much before I met my husband, but a friend once let me swipe her Bumble when we were out drinking one night and it-


Amy Nobile:

That's a very fun pass time for married folks.


Doryn Wallach:

It was so much fun. And I get to pick her matches and I started responding as her. I've actually done that for a few friends, but I can imagine it wouldn't be as much fun if this was actually my life and I was looking for a partner. I know that it's not easy for women to get back out there, or if you're just a single woman in your 40s in general, I would imagine it's not so easy. So I'm excited to have you on here, but I do need to preface this with, I know nothing but I'm excited to learn. I mean, who knows, my husband might kick me out and I might need you to save me.


Amy Nobile:

[crosstalk 00:04:30].


Doryn Wallach:

Hopefully not. Hopefully not.


Amy Nobile:

But no, I'm thrilled to be talking to you. I am living and breathing this, and it is, besides my children, the love of my life, this job. And I do feel like it's my true calling. And so it's a joy to be talking about it. And any wisdom I can bestow to any of my 40-plus angels out there, I'm happy to do so.


Doryn Wallach:

All right. So first tell me how you just... because you're like me, you've had a million businesses and done a million things. So, tell me how you decided to start the business and the concept and what makes you the expert to take over and do this for women?


Amy Nobile:

Well, I don't know. No, I'm kidding. No, no, no. So I am a serial entrepreneur, as you know, and I'm a four-time author. And in the course of writing the latest book called, Just When You're Comfortable in Your Own Skin, It Starts to Sag, and this latest book came out a few years ago. And in the course of writing this book, which is all about inspiring women to make conscious choices for their lives at 40-plus, and to look at the second half of their lives as like the better half, because it really can be. And in the course of interviewing hundreds of women and them talking about leaving their marriages, I knew that I had to make this very difficult, hardest thing I'd ever done, choice to leave my marriage of 20 years. We'd been together 26.

And there was nothing contentious going on. we had just become roommates, he's a great guy, and we're incredibly amicable even now, but I had to leave, and I did it. And I was tossed into the dating world after 26 years. And I would sit around with my gaggle of single, beautiful, rockstar girlfriends shortly thereafter, and they were like, "Oh, it's horrible. You will hate it. Good luck, sister. This is the worst thing ever. This whole online, there's creeps and it's disgusting." I'm looking around the table, I'm like, "Okay, hold up. You guys are total... You're the full packages, you cannot tell me that your counterparts don't exist."

Like, "Well, whatever. No, we tried it, it's horrible." So I dove in like it was my job. I have this crazy, as you know, Doryn, the social enterprising brain. And I looked at it more like an experiment, and I quite literally made dating my job, and I went full force. There were certain days I was dating four to six people per day-


Doryn Wallach:

Oh my God, that sounds awful.


Amy Nobile:

I know, it does sound awful. And guess what? I made every mistake in the book that you can make. It was almost like condensing six months of dating or a year of dating into a few months because I was determined. But at first, I was like, crappy, fuzzy pictures. I didn't write anything. I wasn't portraying myself as me. I was portraying myself the way I thought guys would want to see me, like part hero. And I was just like calling in, I'm super spiritual. It was just the guys that were attracted to me were not the right guys.

And so then I started to get scientific about it and I started to really work on my profile and pictures and dig deep within myself. I was in therapy and energy work and manifesting, and all this stuff. And all of a sudden, things started to click, and I started to really, really call in, like, wow. And I met this incredible human a couple of years ago. And I was also dating another amazing person at the same time. So it was just like, whoa. My girlfriends were like, "Are you kidding? What is happening?" And I was having a ball.


Doryn Wallach:

But they have been so mad at you. What the hell?


Amy Nobile:

They were baffled. There was all the emotions going on. And I was like, "No, no, you guys, come here." I would just grab their phone and I'd started redoing their profiles. And I was like, "What is going on here?" You're not portraying yourself as you, this is not who you are authentically. So I would redo their stuff and they would still sit there, and I'm like, "What is wrong?" And so then I was like, "Give me your password. I'm going to just be you. What's your schedule in the next month?" And I started spitting out dates for them. And they were going on more dates in a month than they had gone on any year. And then all of a sudden, little by little, they started meeting really quality people.

And one day, I was sitting there, and I thought, "Is this a thing? This can't be a thing. Is this a thing? Could I do this? Could I get paid to do this? Is this so cheesy? Is this really bad? Is this a really good idea?" And I decided to go for it. And The New York Times wrote about it really quickly before I even had a website up. And they were like, "Guess what? You better put your website up." And then the Today Show did... It just took off. I was just on the train, it took off. And now, I can't even keep up with the amount of people approaching me. My clients are 25 to 75, mostly female, some male. And that's my big mouthful of how I started that.


Doryn Wallach:

Oh my God. That's amazing. That's amazing. The problem with being such a brilliant mind like Amy is that... and entrepreneurial and creative is that you come up with these things and you have to do them, and you've exceeded them. And then you're "Okay, onto the next." I mean, it's good when you find the one that you really feel passionate about, and it takes a few, it's like dating, it takes you to the right one.


Amy Nobile:

It's true. It's true. Your brain doesn't stop and then... The message here for our fellow entrepreneurs, because a lot of listeners are just like you and I, it's, you really do have to listen to your gut. And it's great. You have all these great ideas, but then you have to listen, even if the world is... I mean, every step of the way, everyone said, "She's nuts. What are you doing now?" You know?


Doryn Wallach:

Right. I know perfect.


Amy Nobile:

So you do? You have to hone that instinct. But anyway, that's another podcast topic.


Doryn Wallach:

Yeah, exactly. That's a great idea though, actually. I need to figure that one out. So I want to first talk about where you need to be within yourself to be ready to date. Because I would imagine it's very difficult to find that place of being ready, whether you've been married for a long time or you're just coming into your 40s, which I do think as a time to figure out who you are. I'd love to know what the key is to this. What do you tell women?


Amy Nobile:

Yeah, it's interesting. I just love talking about this. I give my clients a 10-page intake form. A lot of therapists refer me. I'm sort of like part therapist, part energy worker, and a lot dating coach. But here's the deal, and I learned this really pretty quickly within myself, is that you can only meet someone as deeply as you've met yourself. And that is really important. And the first question I ask people on this intake form is, "How much have you worked on yourself? What self-care do you employ on a daily, weekly, monthly, yearly?" And it always throws people for a loop. They're "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. I want to date, just teach me the tool.


Doryn Wallach:

That's the problem. That's the problem.


Amy Nobile:

Right. And so then I have to backtrack into it with them. And once we start to... I scratch the surface and then I get to the next layer and we get to the next layer. because here's the deal, we all carry... This is going to sound deep right now, a little too therapeutic. But we do, we carry wounds from how we saw love growing up, we carry wounds from our last hurtful relation. We carry that stuff. And if we don't really work on that and at least figure out why you're feeling hurt. Everybody has wounds, everybody. I don't care who you are. And so that is a revelation to people because you're like, "Okay, I'm 40-plus, I'm a grownup. I've done therapy. I'm really open-minded." But we still do.

Even just to be a self-aware, I get clients talking about "Okay, I really haven't honored myself that much. I'm not on my priority list. I need to really work on this stuff." That's the first major thing that we talk about before we even can start.


Doryn Wallach:

And by the way, that's kind of the premise of my podcast too, because in order to enjoy this next stage of life, we need to do the work now, and we need to work on ourselves. I have a lot of friends who are stubborn about doing work in therapy and think they have it figured out, but aren't quite sure or just talk about it a lot. And my friends that actually, unfortunately, unfortunately for them, if they're happy, I've a lot of friends who are getting divorced and they'll rush into something immediately. While again, I'm not an expert, knowing that just as a friend, I'll say, "Don't you feel you need to work on yourself first and be alone and selfish for a little bit until you figure out exactly what that is you want in somebody else?" I can see how that's really important.


Amy Nobile:

You're 100% right. And by the way, I say no a lot to people. After our first initial call, and I do a lot of first calls free of charge because I love what I do and I just want to... And I say no a lot, because I can just tell that somebody is not... I don't want to compromise success. It's not worth it. And you're absolutely right. And that's definitely the first step.


Doryn Wallach:

Well, what if people have zero interest in online dating? How do you change their minds about that? Because I know I have a lot of friends who are now single and they're like, "Uh-ah. I'm not going near that. I have no interest."


Amy Nobile:

Yeah. That's great. That's a great question, and I get it all the time, and I always smile when I get it. Here's the deal, people will say, "Oh my God, I swiped for five minutes and I wouldn't date 99% of the people on these apps." And I say, "Here's the deal. A, you're not going to meet someone in aisle six, we're in a new generation. B, if you walk down the street right now, would you date 99% of anyone you walk by? No." So here's the deal, the apps are gifts, because there are millions and millions and millions of people now on the apps. This is the way, the number one way to meet someone. But it's just the how, how do I go about doing it? Because it's really scary.

At any given day, if you dip your toe into any of the apps, it is a horrifying. And I get it because it's like, oh my God, people are coming at you. It's really, there's a strategy to it, and there's a way to go in and... I've cracked the code. There is a process so that you can feel in control of it and you can feel you are driving the process and calling in the right people and attracting the right people. There really is this process. My success rate is 80%, That's high, and so I know that it works.


Doryn Wallach:

Are there apps that you specifically like more than others? Or you're not allowed to say that?


Amy Nobile:

Oh no, no. No, it's fine. I'm not being sponsored by anybody. It's really interesting. I work with clients all over the country, like Bumble, for instance, not as good in DC as it is in Dallas. So I know which apps are good for which age ranges in what cities. And that's just has come from experience. If someone's listening and they want to dip their toe in and they're 40 plus, it's Bumble and Hinge as a general rule. Start with Bumble, it's the easiest one. It's a little bit more curated, and the women make the first move, which is great because it again puts you in the driver's seat.


Doryn Wallach:

I feel those are the ones that I've heard about.


Amy Nobile:

For your audience, it's Bumble first and then Hinge. And they're both good.


Doryn Wallach:

So just to go back a little bit, you had mentioned that you carry your childhood wounds in your relationship based on the love that you've seen or the love that you've had. How do you get unstuck from that? How does somebody move forward? You say do the work in therapy, but is there more that they can be doing or is it just a one-on-one relationship to try to figure that out?


Amy Nobile:

It's interesting, that's a heavy thing. Yes, it absolutely starts with therapy. It's one of those deep dive things, you don't have to spend a ton of money or a ton of time on it, but it's just being conscious of it. If we each sit down and think about it for a bit, it's like, oh. That's one of the questions I ask my clients, "What did love look like in your house?" And that's just a little bit of a different spin. We all have like, "Oh gosh, I had a difficult stepdad," or, "My mom left my dad," or whatever. Even if your parents were happily married, there's still dynamics that you absorbed that you could still work on. Maybe there was some disrespect going on, because I always say you accept the love you think you deserve.

And so there's all kinds of things and dynamics. So it's just being conscious of that. So I really work through that, at least begin to work through that with my clients. And then I will literally say, "Go do some therapy for three months and come back to me. If there's just too much, I know what I'm not, I'm certainly not a therapist, but I can guide." And then they'll come back and we'll talk it through and I'll say, "Okay, I think you're ready now. Let's go." So it's really just, A, exploring it within yourself. And if you need a little bit more help in digging through that, then do it.


Doryn Wallach: